Dear teenage boy who literally stopped driving today to tell me I’m beautiful while I was out for my run,
Thank you. You made my whole day.
☮xo – Erin
PS- driving by a second time and giving me a thumbs up was a nice touch. 😉
I’ve never had much luck in the dating world. No, seriously. It all started with my first boyfriend when I was in middle school. I was pretty sure we would be together forever and get married, have 4 kids, have a house in CT and also a log cabin in ME on a lake (obviously where we’d vacation) and live a picture perfect life, but then he hooked up with my (ex)best-friend. Cool. Back then it didn’t take much time to get over guys. A couple hundred phone calls (remember this was long before the days of cell phone and text messages) to his parents house and a dramatic bike ride over to his house to drop off a “box of his things” pretty much did the trick. From then on there was a series of high school drops outs, drug addicts, and down right boring guys-I mean I’m an independent, smart, fun girl, why wouldn’t I go that route. It really only makes sense, right? Don’t they say opposites attract…?
Now, being in my late twenties, most of my friends are married, engaged, in super-boring-super-serious-super-longterm relationships, or busy chasing their rug rats around Target. I did something I never wanted to, I’m embarrassed that I did, and I can confidently say I will never do again. I entered the online dating world. Some of my friends (and family) tell me I’m picky, judgmental, or not willing to try – my other friends, and the general public, is just too nice to say that to my face-or maybe they just don’t know me well enough. I like those people.
Anyways, back to online dating…how does that saying go? Oh yea, I came, I saw, I
conquered threw up in my mouth a little bit. I was out to dinner with a friend of mine not too long ago and she, newly single, mentioned considering online dating. I gave her the best advice in the world: DON’T. DO. IT. Why? Well because people who online date, in my experience, do it for a reason. Ya, ya, ya, your sister met her husband on plenty-of-fish and he’s a ‘real catch’, your cousin met his girlfriend on ‘match’ and they really hit it off, your grandma met her lova on “Our Time” and they are having the time of their life. I get it. There are fairy tale endings out there, but I’m no princess so that shit just ain’t for me. Just so you can really taste it, let me tell you about my favorite 10 guys I’ve met online and you can tell me if I was too quick to judge or if I saw where it was going and was able to make it to safe room before the tornado.
Time capsule - I call him this for two reasons. 1. because I feel like I talked to him for an eternity and 2. because on our first date – literally the first time we ever met, he made me look at over 1,000 photos on his iphone of cruise he went on with his parents. Somewhere around 1,500 I said “lets save the rest for next time”. Spoiler alert – there was no next time. Seriously, I saw more pictures of his parents than I’ve seen of my own parents-in my whole entire life. I love pictures and will have absolutely no problem making you look at the scrapbooks I made in high school, but this was intense, even for me.
Hey Girl Heyyyyyy - So this guy was…different. I’m not sure if he was trying to convince himself or convince me, but he definitely checked some wrong boxes on that dating site. He loved hot coacoa, “hangin out with the girls”, and his alcoholic drink of choice – mudslides. “Um dirty martini over here please!” <–that was literally what I said as I snapped my fingers for the waiter mid-meal on our LUNCH date. Hey alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but neither does water or milk, am I right?
The Alcoholic - This guy seemed really nice. Actually, I thought he might actually be someone that I could hang out with, but I found out sooner (thank god) than later that he really just wanted to get drunk. Literally- he told me he wasn’t interested in eating because “then he wouldn’t be able to drink as much”, and when I said, well it sound like you just want to get wasted, he said “well I do, I really wanted to get drunk last night but I didn’t” Yea, that date never even happened. Oh, and for kickers, he was actually going to pick me up. Luckily I found his intents before I got into the death chair. He was later known to text me in the middle of the night inquiring why we couldn’t even be friends.
The Petri Dish - OK, feel free to judge me if you want to, but this poor kid’s face was like a petri dish incubating as the perfect temperature. More and more white heads grew in the period of time it took me to choke down a burger and a beer…and if you’re really thinking about what i’m saying and picturing it, that was not a long time.
Siri - Only it wasn’t Siri, it was whatever question-answering thing those huge ass Galaxy phones have. The entire time we were out, in a restaurant mind you, he was talking to her. And by her I do not mean me. And by her I do not mean another person. We’d be mid conversation and get to a point where we’d try to remember someone’s name “Oh it had that guy that was in the Big Bang Theory…what’s his name? <says to his phone> ‘what actor plays Leonard on the Big Bang Theory’ ” Yep, that really happened…at least 15 times.
Too Hot To Trot – This is the guy that is really good looking, but he knows he’s really good looking, which makes him not good looking. This guy literally spent the first half of the date telling me how everyone always tells him how hot he is. According to him, his ex-girlfriends’ sister put the moves on him, his ex-girlfriends’ mother “was totally into him” and he even went as far as to tell ME, the person he’s on a date with, that the waitress was totally into him, he “could tell”.
The Mentalist – This guy “knows your nervous by the way you tilt your head” and knows that you chose blue cheese instead of ranch because the female brain has some extra sensor in the frontal lobeblahblahblah…..omg get over yourself. I can’t even. So you took a psychology class in your undergrad studies, congratulations, so did I. Maybe that’s how I can tell you’re a complete douche.
Full disclosure, the last three guys were all the same guy, all on the same date. He was a diamond in the rough…it got to a point where I was more interested in seeing what bullshit would come out of his mouth next than anything else. It was seriously like a comedy show, and I had a front row seat.
The Lamb - I call him this because he was feeble, like a baby lamb. We went out once. It was fine. He texted me the next day, I texted him back, it was fine. He then texted me the next day…at 6AM…TELLING ME that he was coming over that night. Um…no pal, you’re not. 1. that’s pretty short notice, and lets face it, I book up quick. 2. I’m pretty much all set with having you enclosed in my apartment-I’ve spent all of 3 hours with you. I don’t even know your last name. When I politely told him I was busy that night but maybe we could meet somewhere in the middle over the weekend, he basically started crying. I could feel the tears through the text messages. “He knew I didn’t like him.” “No one ever wants to wait until the weekend unless they dont like the guy”. “best of luck, you were really cool”. uh, yea dude, you were cool too…till you freaked out. No offense, but There’s no way that I’m going to try to convince a guy I’ve known for 3 hours that I’m “really into you”. Ya blew it. bubye!
Friendly Angry Giant - I met this guy one time for coffee. ONE TIME. We then made plans to meet up with some of his friends the next weekend. Something came up, and I wasn’t able to make it. Ok, nothing came up, but I just really would have rather read the Dictionary than meet up with him again. Instead of doing what a normal person would do, such as say “ok maybe another time”, Jolly Green turns King Kong in 2.5 seconds and starts spewing off about what a crazy bitch I am. Now I might just be a crazy bitch, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d get to know me a little better before you start throwing that around. Wow, I’m really regretting cancelling that one…NOT.
The Textwhore - This person mine as well get an iphone implanted into their body. Trust me, if that was possible, I’d definitely consider some cosmetic surgery. I’m just as obsessed with my phone as the next guy. But when I wake up at 6:30AM and I already have a “good morning” text from you…OK, a good morning text might be ok, it’s the “how’s your morning going”, and “how’s work” that starts getting annoying. What really put me over the edge with this fellow was the “Hey! What are you up to?” at 2PM on a Tuesday. Uhhh…it’s 2PM on a Tuesday – what the fuck do you think I’m up to. I’m not even wasting my time to text you back. You’ll figure it out.
So if you’re picking up what I’m putting down here, I’m not telling you that online dating is a bad idea for you. I’m telling you that it’s a bad idea for me. Feel Free to roll the dice on your own.
So if you ask me, or one of my really good friends at work, there are two kinds of people in this world. People who love Starbucks, and People shouldn’t be allowed to talk to us people who love Starbucks. I know this statement may sound a little bit aggressive, but this is struggle of the world we live in. And, a true Starbucks lover not only loves Starbucks, but also hates Dunkin Donuts. Now I don’t want to hear any mumbo-jumbo about how DD is so much cheaper or how Starbucks is so much more pretentious because it’s just not true-so stop it.
I feel like I can say things like this because my first job, which was one of my favorite jobs ever, was working at DD. I was seriously so good at that shit. Light and sweet, no problem. Black one sweet and low, you got. So I know. I see what goes on, and I know how their burnt coffee tastes. Really, it’s insulting to your taste buds. I’d drink sitting-out-all-day-at-a-random-rest-stop-gas-station-coffee before I pulled into Dunkin. Erin does not run on Dunkin.
To really drill in my point, there as this one day, I did stop at DD on my way to work. I was at a low point. Really low. In fact, I also got a bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant, and hash browns, and the fat person inside of me gobbled that shit down and got crumbs and ketchup everywhere. Like I said, it was a low; I’m not proud. By the time I got to work I was so regretful, and quite frankly, embarrassed by this lapse in judgement I picked up multiple Starbucks coffee cups off the floor of my car and strongly considered dumping my Dunkin brew in so no one would see me this way. I couldn’t find one that I trusted enough to drink out of again, so I did what I had to do and slinked into work with my Dunkin Donuts coffee and pretended everything was normal. No joke, my coworker noted this cup on my desk and came up to me later in the day an inquired on my mental and physical health. <–this seriously happened.
Anyways, this past weekend, I went to Newport, and after a fantastic Crawfish Boil (aka a day that consisted of eating and drinking heavily) and I knew the only way I would get home would be to stop at Starbucks. So I went to Starbucks in downtown – no parking spots, fantastic. So I did what any sane person would do. I parked illegally and ran inside. OF COURSE the line was out the door (why wouldn’t it be, we are talking about Starbucks), but I waited. Sometimes a good coffee is worth risking that your car is going to be towed. After being in line 20 minutes, I made another extremely rational decision: I got not one, but two coffees. A cold one to suck down immediately, and a hot one to enjoy on my ride home. My only mistake was not buying larger coffees, or buying more coffees and asking some hipster sitting at table if they’d help me lug them all to my car. When I got back outside, my car was still there, with no ticket on it. The world was on my side that day.
This past weekend I was invited to a crawfish boil. I’ve never been to a crawfish boil before, nor have I ever eaten crawfish, but I like shrimp and lobster, so I assumed I’d also like crawfish because they seem to be the mid-ground between the two. My friend’s husband (<– still getting used to saying that) was the boiler. From what I understand, you get the crawfish while they are still alive and have to take out any that are already dead. Then you put the live crawfish into a pot with corn, potatoes, and bunch of spices and let the magic happen. Once they are done, you just dump the whole pot onto a big table and digs in. Take a look at the pics below to get a better idea of what happens here:
The Crawfish in their final moments of life. Also known as “crawdads” or “mudbugs”.
What it looks like on the table – SO DELICIOUS!!
Mike with Lupe
Friends hanging out:
How you eat crawfish: 1. pinch 2. pull off “butt” 3. suck out delicousness…or if you are me, you can (very messily) take the meat out with your fingers and eat.
Our cook, Doug, and his attack dog:
Our host, Bryan – the Birthday Boy
Just a bunch of UConn Alum watching our team win! GO HUSKIES!!
So this is how I know I’m getting old. Back in the good old days of the early 00’s I was (somewhat) of a dare devil. I swang off rope swings into the local reservoir, went on every ride there was at amusement parks and fairs, and I rode on my friend’s motorcycle…one time…I think we almost got up to 30 mph before I threatened that I would jump off. Haha This morning while I was running on the treadmill I saw an ad for the newest ride hitting our local Six Flags and I almost threw up. I literally said out loud “NOPE”. Other people at the gym looked at me. I didn’t even mean to say it out loud, but I couldn’t help it. It was definitely NOPE-worthy.
The ride is twofold. There is the Zumanjaro Drop of Doom which is built within the Kinga Ka Coaster. So the Kinga Ka Coaster is the tallest coaster in the US at over 450 feet. You go from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds. No thanks. I prefer to keep my speed around 80, while fully encased in metal. Then there is the Zumanjaro Drop of Doom. Sorry, am I the only one that doesn’t want to go on something called the Drop of Doom?? It’s like the Tower of Terror, which I have actually been on, but over twice the size. Yes, twice the size! At over 400 feet you’re more than twice the height of Lady Liberty only to plummet back to earth, hopefully without dying. Oh, and while you’re dropping at almost 100mph you have a roller coaster coming directly at you. Sounds like a heart attack in a seatbelt if you ask me! NOPE.
I do apologize for the length of this post, but there is really no shorter way to paint you this picture. So this past weekend me and my sister traveled from Connecticut to Iowa to visit our grandparents. Because the airport in Dubuque, where they live, is smaller than most town’s local Target Super Center, we decided to fly into Chicago and rent a car to finish out the trek. Our flight got in around 11pm so we thought it best to stay in a hotel along the way. Though I do take full responsibility for the troubles outlined below, I just want to make it clear that I booked a hotel-with the mind frame of “ok we are going to get there after midnight and leave first thing to get to grandpas so let’s just go with whatever is the cheapest. Worst.Decision.Ever. In fact, as a result of this hasty decision, I have lost all future booking privileges while traveling with my sister.
Ok, so let me start by saying that I’ve been known to stay in some sketchy establishments. There was that time in Ireland where me and Stef stayed in the most sketchy “bed and breakfast” ever. Literally, I was nervous one of us (or both of us) were going to be kidnapped by the guys from New Castle in the room next to us. And then there was that time I was on a business trip in Santa Barbara and my flight got cancelled and instead of going back to the four-star hotel I was at originally, my at-the-time-boss thought it was fine if I bunked up at a motel in the ghetto right by the airport. Surprisingly, no one knocked on my door looking for crack.
Anyways, I degrees…this was much worse. Here we are in Rockland, IL, and things are looking pretty good. We see a Holiday Inn and Marriott, followed by a Kohls, Longhorn Steakhouse, and my personal fave-Starbucks. There was tons of stores and I could tell we were on the main drag. Cool. A few miles go by and more and more space lies between stores, the lights are dimmer-clearly we are driving into the depths of hell. I should have know better since the main light to the hotel was barely on. It was kind of flickering like a motel light would in a horror movie right before he main character gets murdered. But hey, what were we going to do-we did have a $42 reservation. So we go in.
The guy at the front desk was nice enough, but let’s remember, you don’t have to be smart to be nice. After standing at the front desk for approximately 15 minutes while he tried to figure out how run my credit card, we finally got our room key. Room 205, which ironically was in the basement. This was an obvious sign that we were walking even deeper into the depths of hell. This level smelled. It went from smoke, to mold, to another smell that I can’t really really describe, probably because my senses were being numbed at this point. You know, part of the body’s defense when it begins going into shock-I’m pretty sure that’s what was happening here. Finally, after walking by numerous doors with dogs barking in a frigid hallway we made it to our room. Phew!
Just kidding. This too only added insult to injury. There was caked on mildew on the faucet sink. So bad, in fact, that I literally felt it was a better option to not wash my hands at all than touch the sink, or the water that may (or may not) come out of it. There was cigarette ash all around the bathroom (in our supposed non-smoking room), and literally shit stains in the toilet. All of that aside, all we wanted to do was go to sleep. With a Nalgene 3/4 full of water, we figured we had enough to get through the night for the two of us if we rationed properly. So we slipped into pj’s and turned down the sheets. This is when shit got real. There was no sheet on the bed. Seriously. No.Sheet.On.The.Bed. OK, no that’s not completely fair. There was a sheet…but we had the option to sleep between the sheet and the disease-ridden comforter, or the sheet and the disease ridden mattress. Either way, I was not willing to take the risk. I’m sorry…the second I left the hotel I thought “shit I should have taken pictures!”, but seriously, I was in survival mode and the only thing I could think about was getting out alive…so you’ll have to use your imagination here…even if you think you’re letting it go wild, you’re probably not far off from what we encountered.
We couldn’t stay there. So I did what anyone would do, we put on our shoes and my sister pulled around the car while I pulled a Jo Anne. If you’re unfamiliar what this means, Jo Anne is our mom, and in the right situation, gets really angry and does something magical that results in her getting her way. It all started in a nail salon circa year 2000, but we’ll leave that story for another time. Anyways, I walked up to the front desk, rolling suitcase in hand and told the clerk we are leaving and never coming back. Though he looked extremely confused, he was nice about it, which didn’t give me the opportunity to get as angry as I wanted to, however, given the situation, you’ve gotta think this is not the first time this happened.
10 minutes later we ended up in a clean, newly renovated room at the Hilton, which we were very pleased with. Ironically, outside of our fourth floor window was a huge dumpster which we probably would have ended up in if we didn’t make the move.
I bought my first “new” car a few years ago and I’m pretty much obsessed with it. My sister openly makes fun of it and says it’s ugly and looks like a spaceship, but I don’t really care because this spaceship gets the job done. I bought a Honda Fit, and it’s amazing. I can fold the seats down and toss my dogs in there without getting fur on the seats, I can fold the seats up and 4-5 Rubbermaid bins in the back seat, I can put my bike in the back without having to remove the front wheel, and best of all I get about 40 miles to the gallon. For me, it’s great. Then a few a weeks ago, all my walls came crashing down around me. I was going about my business, I was doing fine (Jewel reference J), and a coworkers informs me that I’m driving what was rated the most unsafe car of the year. Great. Thanks for ruining my day, pal.
So I do what any girl would do in this situation – I called my dad. I guess I thought maybe he would sympathize with his eldest child and, you know, want me to be safe and not die. I thought he’d, I don’t know, give me his car or buy me a big (safe) Hummer or something. I thought wrong. “Are you seriously concerned with this?” he asks me…uh yea I’m concerned, a person with my luck (and by luck, I mean driving record) should not be driving around in a death box. “What, are you thinking about buying a new car or something?” he follows up with. Well, the thought crossed my mind!! “Just don’t get into an accident”. Great. Thanks for the advice pops. Before you said that getting into an accident was on the to-do list, but I’ll cross it off now. I proceed to tell him why my car was so unsafe and how if get into an accident apparently the steering panel is going to come into my car and smash my legs into a million little pieces. “I’m a runner dad, I can’t live my life from a wheelchair. I’ll DIE!”. It was at that point that he responded “Erin, you are ridiculous”. And hung up on me.
Nice to know I have a strong support system.
Have you ever met someone so dumb that you are literally embarrassed to be be sharing a country with them? I had an experience recently that really made me wonder about people.
After a couple years of going without, I decided to get cable, and after about a month of having cable in my living room and becoming completely addicted, I decided to go for the gold and add cable to my bedroom as well. Now this shouldn’t have been an issue as a cable line was already run in my bedroom and a tv in my basement, but unfortunately it wasn’t working. So I called Cox Communications to see if I could get some over-the-phone help. The first girl I talked to was not part of their tech team, but tried to assist me so I wouldn’t have to sit on hold. Although she was unsuccessful, she was very nice and I found our conversation quite pleasant. The next person I talked to really made me think twice about my fellow Americans. For lack of a better way to get across how utterly retarded this woman was, I’m just going to give you a play by play of our conversation:
Me: Hi, I’m having some problems getting my cable to work, can you help me?
Cox Woman (CW): I’ll try. Whats the phone number on your account?
CW: I’m sorry that number doesn’t come up.
Me: Can you look me up by my address?
CW: What is your address?
Me: (tell her my address), Street, City, Connecticut.
CW: Do you mean Rhode Island?
Me: No, Connecticut.
CW: I don’t see Connecticut on my list. Are you sure you don’t mean Rhode Island?
Me: No, I definitely live in Connecticut.
CW: Hmm…I’m not sure…pause…Connecticut? Where is that? Is it near Ohio?
Me: Are you serious?
Me: Connecticut is on the East Coast….It’s part of New England…..It’s bordered by MA, RI, and NY….
I was so completely dumbfounded by this conversation I literally told her I would call back another time. I mean seriously, do you really think she would be able to help me with, well, anything?! The woman doesn’t even know that CT is a state! Welp, you can’t win ‘em all, hopefully she’s beautiful because no one’s gonna marry this chick for her brains!!
Over the past couple months I’ve been throwing the idea of getting a pet around. I think I’m mature enough for this added responsibility and I finally landed on the perfect pet for me: Paul. Paul McNibbler, the hamster. You see, I had a hamster once, Nibbles, who lived a long and happy life. He had a number of hobbies: nibbling his way out of his cage, filling his cheeks with 3 weeks’ worth of food, and of course getting loose in moving cars. Anyways, I figured that Paul would be the ideal pet for me because it would really fit right into my lifestyle. Being a solitary animal, I could leave him alone for hours, or day if needed, I could fit him just about anywhere, and best of all, he’s got an expiration date. I’m 27 now, but by the time I’m 30, ready to buy a house and (god willing) have a family, I’ll be pet free. BOOM. DONE.
Oh, and the best part: Casual Fridays With Paul. CFWP is something that my team at work decided would probably be a great idea where Paul could come into the office on Fridays, dressed to the 9’s of course, and make his ‘rounds’ in his hamster ball. You know, just ‘roll through’ to make sure everything is running smoothly. Oh, and of course he would bring some office cheer. Most likely, he would spice up the Friday afternoons when he unavoidably would get loose the office and we all would be on a rampant hamster hunt.
Anyways, I moved recently and have kind of backed away from the thought of any new responsibilities, which is ironic because I feel like it was as soon as I gave up on this dream, it just came true without me even trying. (Never give up on your dreams, kids!) There was I sitting in my living room, watching the Wonder Years, and enjoying a pizza, when a baby opossum pops up in the middle of my living room. WHAT? SERIOUSLY? Yes, this is serious, as serious as a heart attack, which, by the way, I almost had.
I called my land lord, who set up an appointment with animal control, and ran upstairs to my neighbor, who I have known for approximately 5 minutes and probably thinks I’m crazy to come down and assist in the situation. Lucky for me, he was nice enough to come down and help me out with the situation. Between the two of (and by “between the two of us” I mean my neighbor was on the front line in the living room, while I nervously stood behind the barrier in the kitchen) we were able to get the cutesy baby opossum out the door.
The little guy didn’t even get out the door and I already missed him. A new paul was sitting there, given to me for free, and what do I do? I shoo him out the door. What kind of a pet-mother am I? I have thrown away the hopes of having a rodent-pet, I have thrown away the hope for Casual Fridays With Paul, and I have destroyed my confidence in myself as far as pet-owning goes.
As an aside: no animals were hurt in the making of this story. Paul was able to make it out alive, where he will be reunited with the rest of his opossum family, and after a thorough investigation of my apartment and the grounds around by the animal control guys, there were no more baby or mommy opossums found.
Please stay tuned for a follow up story about all the lesser known facts about opossums – they are actually a lot more interesting than you may have thought.